Lessons from Leadership Coaching: What Middle Schoolers Teach Us About Growth

For me, leadership coaching isn’t just about teaching the students - it’s about all of us learning. Working with middle school students has shown me that growth doesn’t happen overnight, and leadership isn’t about having all the answers. Instead, it’s about navigating challenges, learning from mistakes, and stepping into discomfort.

Through my beginning work with Rochester Middle School students, I’ve observed firsthand how leadership development is a process filled with setbacks, small victories, and unexpected lessons. Here are some powerful insights I’ve gained from early coaching of these young leaders.

Leadership Coaching Allows Growth to Begin with Discomfort

Leadership is often framed as confidence and certainty, but real growth happens when students face discomfort and work through it. Middle schoolers are still learning how to handle situations that push them outside their comfort zones, and their first reaction is often avoidance—acting out, stepping away, or disengaging entirely.

During one session, a student asked to use the bathroom, and his peers assumed he wouldn’t return. But he did. When he came back, I gave him the option to step out of the activity while staying in the room. This small action reinforced the idea that discomfort is not a reason to leave entirely—it’s something to navigate.

By providing a safe space where discomfort is expected but not punished, students will begin to develop resilience and see challenges as opportunities rather than threats.

Trust Must Be Earned, Not Expected

Many students enter leadership programs skeptical of adults. They’re used to being corrected, disciplined, or told what to do rather than being invited into the process. Trust isn’t automatic—it’s something that must be built over time.

In our early sessions, I noticed some students pushing boundaries, testing how much they could “get away with.” Rather than immediately shutting them down, I allowed them to express themselves while setting expectations for respect. Over time, these students began to engage more positively, realizing that leadership wasn’t about control - it is about participation and shared responsibility.

Building trust with students requires consistency, patience, and a willingness to let them make small missteps as part of their learning journey.

Avoidance Is a Coping Mechanism, Not Defiance

When students avoid participation, it’s easy to assume they don’t care. But in reality, avoidance is often a response to uncertainty or fear of failure.

During a leadership activity, where students needed to pass a ball across a circle to one another, one student mimicked an aggressive throw.  I shared that we are working to solve a problem together and that might impact our success. Another student chose to throw the ball aggressively, this had an impact on the success of the group. The student chose to step out entirely. At first, it seemed like defiance, but I realized that this avoidance was a way of protecting themselves from potential embarrassment or failure. If the student played by the rules and failed, it would feel personal - so instead, they removed themself from the challenge.

By recognizing these behaviors as coping mechanisms rather than outright defiance, we can create a space where students feel safe enough to stay engaged and gradually build their confidence.

Leadership Looks Different for Everyone

Not every student naturally steps into leadership, and that’s okay. Some students are loud and directive, while others lead through quiet actions and consistency.

I’ve seen students hesitate to take on leadership roles because they don’t see themselves as “the leader type.” But leadership isn’t about fitting into a mold—it’s about recognizing strengths and using them effectively.

One student, for example, never volunteered to lead but consistently supported his peers by offering encouragement and keeping the group focused. Over time, the quiet leadership became just as valuable as the more outspoken students.

By helping students see leadership in different forms, we empower them to step into their own version of leadership, rather than forcing them to fit a predefined image.

Reflection, Not Punishment, Leads to Growth

Traditional discipline often focuses on punishment rather than reflection. But real learning happens when students are given space to think about their actions and make connections for themselves.

We had a student who used unkind language that disrupted the group. Rather than immediately reprimanding them, I chose to observe and address it later in a reflective conversation. Instead of feeling attacked, they will have a chance to consider how the words impacted others. 

When we allow students to reflect rather than simply react to consequences, they begin to develop the self-awareness needed for true leadership.

Conclusion: Embracing the Leadership Journey

Leadership isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. The lessons I’ve learned and continue to learn from coaching middle schoolers remind me that growth takes time, patience, and intentional support.

By creating environments where students can navigate discomfort, build trust, work through avoidance, define leadership on their terms, and reflect on their actions, we give them the tools to become confident and capable leaders.

For parents, educators, and mentors, the challenge is to see beyond the immediate behaviors and recognize the leadership potential in every student—even when they don’t see it in themselves yet.

Because sometimes, the greatest leaders aren’t the ones who step forward right away—they’re the ones who take small, steady steps toward growth.