When “Bad Behavior” Is a Leadership Test

When we label teens as “leaders,” especially those who have been previously labeled as “troublemakers,” we often forget one important thing: they’ve been trained by experience to expect rejection.

These teens have spent years pushing boundaries and being met with resistance—so when we invite them into something new, like a leadership program, we can’t be surprised when they still push. That’s what they’ve always done. And the discomfort we feel watching this unfold? That discomfort is the mirror of what they’re experiencing.

They’re testing the space.

They’re testing us.

They’re wondering: What happens if I act the way I always have? Do these adults still believe I’m a leader?

Pushing Until There’s No Resistance

Teens who have been labeled in negative ways—disruptive, disrespectful, defiant—have learned that adults will push back when they push. So when we call them “leaders,” they often push even harder. It’s not sabotage; it’s instinct. They are trying to find the boundary. To see if this new label really applies to them, or if we’ll take it away at the first sign of trouble.

And this is the real test—not for the teens, but for us.

Can we hold space for their resistance?

Can we respond differently than the adults in their past have?

Can we choose not to be surprised by their pushback, but instead, see it as part of their process?

This approach requires that we, as adults, become just as flexible, reflective, and growth-oriented as we’re asking our teens to be.

The Discomfort Is Mutual

When I see behavior that’s traditionally labeled as “bad”—interrupting, ignoring instructions, eye rolling, or aggressive joking—my gut reaction is still to redirect it. That’s what we’ve all been conditioned to do. But if

I respond in the same way every other adult has, I’m not modeling anything different.

I’m not showing that leadership is a space for growth.

I’m showing it’s a space with even higher expectations—and even less tolerance for being human.

And this is where things get tricky.

Because leadership programs are often seen as a privilege—something to earn, something to respect. But when we treat leadership as a prize, we risk communicating that it’s only available to those who already behave in the “right” way. That leaves little room for students who are still learning what leadership can look like—especially if that looks nothing like what they've been taught.

Leadership Isn’t a Reward—It’s a Responsibility

If we want to truly challenge teens to grow as leaders, we have to stop viewing leadership as a reward for good behavior. Instead, we must recognize it as a vehicle for learning new behavior. A space where mistakes are part of the curriculum.

When we invite students into leadership, especially those with histories of being misunderstood or dismissed, we’re not asking them to immediately behave differently. We’re inviting them to experience something different—an environment where they are allowed to push without being pushed away.

But that shift requires us, the adults, to change how we react.

To tolerate some discomfort.To sit with some tension.To resist the urge to control, and instead, commit to connection.

Challenging Teens Means Challenging Ourselves

The real work of leadership development—for teens and adults—is not about enforcing rules or managing behavior. It’s about building relationships that support transformation. And that starts with our own willingness to grow.

We need to stop expecting our teens to act like leaders before we treat them like leaders.

That means:

Holding space for their resistance without taking it personally
Offering structure without domination
Leading with curiosity instead of criticism
Understanding that testing boundaries is part of the process—not a sign of failure

When teens see that we can handle their resistance without shutting them down, they start to believe that maybe—just maybe—this new label fits. And they begin to try it on for themselves.

Final Thought: We All Need a New Script

Leadership doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It happens in relationships, in uncomfortable conversations, in the space between what was and what could be.

If we want our teens to write a new story for themselves, we have to offer them a new script. One where leadership isn’t about perfection or popularity, but about being seen, trusted, and stretched.

And that starts with us—changing the way we see them, respond to them, and believe in them.

Even when they push back.Especially when they push back.Because that’s when real growth begins.